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Sunday, 20 April 2008

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Thursday, 06 July 2006

I Want to...But It Hurts...So Badly

And suddenly I felt worthless again. I was afraid, scared, and I can't believe that I felt this way. I was simply scared because I felt that I would do something wrong and then he wouldn't like me anymore or something of that extent. I don't know why I'm second guessing this...well yeah I do...simply because I had been hurt in the past. Not just hurt but horribly betrayed...

One of my ex's[none of you know him, just to clear this up early] hurt me real bad. He pretty much forced the whole relationship on me although at first it was nice and he was sweet.Then he treated me horribly; ignoring me, pushing me, hitting me at times[not to a bad extent just a punch on the arm or slap...it just hurt] and then he would act too protective and threatened me and any guy that came near me. He forced his affections upon me and tried to correct what I did. When I tried to walk away, he would grab my wrist and yank me back and hug me or pull me into his lap or something of the sort. And then...through this treatment...he cheated on me. I don't know why I stayed with him...I just couldn't find the nerve to break away from him. He finally broke up with me and I felt so relieved, so happy. Now may I mention the fact that's even worst. I was only 10 when this happened.He was in the same day care and was 14 in the fifth grade. I could never tell my parents, I was too ashamed of myself because I was such a damned coward. Because I didn't wany anyone else to know, I carried the burden of this all on my shoulders...well until now.

What does this have to do with the kiss you may ask? Well, as you can see it seems my trust had been shattered beyond simple time repair. I had been hurt and I trusted no one for months after that. No body however suspected that I was sad or lonely or hurting because I always had a smile plastered on my lips. That's still what I do to protect myself. I smile, look happy, act happy although I may be sad. I know it's deceitful but I need to do this...I don't want worry. Truthfully though, there are few people I trust, but still I hide my emotions from them because I don't want to burden or bother them with such frivolous things. My parents, sister, Ashleigh and Victor are some of the few I trust and still I abuse their trust by being dishonest with my feelings. But I'm rambling again aren't I. I simply am afraid because I don't want to be hurt again...not again...Although...I feel , no I know that Victor won't hurt me...he wouldn't...I'm just...a coward...afraid...I don't want to be hurt again...I know he loves me and I love him...why... can't I do this...why?
<So True to My Feelings>

This whole entry may give you an understanding of why I am the way I am...

Thursday, 25 May 2006

Currently Listening
Everytime We Touch
By Cascada
Everytime We Touch
see related
Um....Hi!

Well I really don't know what to do or what to type... Yes I am that ditzy of a girl that doesn't know what she's feeling and what happeneed today. Well...um...letsee....uhhhh.... I am stuck! When I think of something, I will type it! Kay?

Well just want to say love to all my homies and peace out!